It is not well with my soul.

We told the kids. They took it better than we expected but I know it’s going to be a roller coaster for them. And I hate that, for right now, I can’t be there to stop their roller coaster and put them on solid ground. Miley is smart. I think she figured it out and I think she’s trying to be strong for us which breaks my heart. Jeremiah is strong but I know how much he wants to protect me and take my hurt away and he can’t and that frustrates him. I want them to grieve and be okay with grieving.

Sleeping is hard. I can still feel phantom kicks, like I’m still pregnant. I see her face when I close my eyes. I think about how when they first brought her to me after she was born, and I kissed her how she opened her mouth in response. I think of how her heart was still beating when they brought her to me and laid her on my chest and then she slowly faded away. I miss my little girl so much. The physical pain is nothing compared the emotional anguish I feel.

Today we meet with the funeral home. Never in a million years did I think I would be saying that. It still seems so unreal. Later we meet with the church about her memorial service. Again, something I never thought I’d be doing. I don’t know what to expect except a lot of tears.

Harper lived for two hours. Two very, very short hours. She didn’t make any sounds or open her eyes but she lived. And she was my girl. And in the 23 weeks I carried her and in the two hours she was with us, I loved her. Oh, how I loved that little girl. And I still do. Even with three other children to love, I poured all of what I could into loving her. And now she’s gone.

Someone made the point that this is how God must have felt, sending Jesus to die for us. And as much as I know that what God does is in love and for our benefit, if he knows how much this hurts, why would he put that pain on anyone? Why is he allowing us to suffer such anguish? Years down the line I know I will see what good comes out of this but right now, all I see is pain and darkness. All I feel is emptiness and a pain so great, it can’t be explained.

Last night was the UGA game and as I was looking on Facebook and seeing people having a good time at the game or watching the game with family and friends and all I could think was, how can you be so happy when I’ve lost my child and am so miserable? But the world doesn’t stop because one person lost someone. The world keeps spinning, people keep going about their daily routines. And I don’t know why that bothers me so much.

I wish I had the faith and peace of Horatio Spafford, to be able to see such tragedy and say, “it is well with my soul”. For me, it is not well with my soul. It is not well that God took my baby from me. Maybe it will be one day but for right now, I’m still angry. I’m angry and confused and at a complete loss as to how to carry on. How can life just go on for me when I feel like my whole world has been obliterated? How can I laugh again and not feel guilty? How can I celebrate with friends and family over their new babies knowing I didn’t get to bring mine home?

The road to recovery is long and hard and dark and lonely. One day, I will see my baby again. But that day will take what seems like forever to get here.